How can I fear?

Last night, I was sitting on the couch listening to Joshua explain to a close friend all that he has to accomplish before January so that he can finish his masters and get a job. If he doesn't get a job and his masters is not finished, that means having to take out a loan for next semester just to live off of. When I heard him explaining that a third of what he has left to do would theoretically take him two months normally, I started to panic inside.

So, this morning, I started to stress when he wasn't out of the house at the time he had planned. Of course, it's hard to get up when your sleep is interrupted every two hours by hungry babies that need feeding and diapering. I don't blame him for wanting to sleep an extra hour, but at the time, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I let him know how stressed I was that he might not finish on time. Not exactly the uplifting, supportive thing you want to hear when you are waking up in the morning. That just made him more stressed and less confident, and basically made me feel like a jerk (which I can be, let's face it). We talked about it before he left, and I felt much better and I hope he did, too.

I was still scared, though. I went back upstairs to feed Canaan, and as I laid him down in the crib, Micah started stirring around. Hoping he would sleep a little longer, I started singing him a song to calm him down. He responds to that pretty well so far. I normally sing a lullaby I learned when I was small, but instead I started singing another song that has calmed me since I was a child. My two older sisters sang it at my dedication and my oldest sister, Amy, used to sing it to my little brother and I when we were going to sleep at night. Sometimes, when I'm in a scary situation-- like driving down 64 when there's flash flooding going on-- I sing this song to myself and it calms me down. Weird, I know. The first verse is more about being afraid in situations like that, but the second verse is more about uncertainty and stress. As I sang the words to Micah this morning, I found myself tearing up, my voice getting all wobbly and high pitched, but his little legs stopped kicking and I saw a smile pull at the corners of his tiny lips. I was rubbing his belly and singing a soft song, but I felt like Jesus was rubbing my back and telling me everything was going to be fine.

When I'm alone
And I face the unknown
And I fear what the future may be
I can depend
On the strength of my Friend
He walks along with me

How can I fear?
Jesus is near
He ever watches over me
Worries all cease
He gives me peace
How can I fear with Jesus?