How can I fear?

Last night, I was sitting on the couch listening to Joshua explain to a close friend all that he has to accomplish before January so that he can finish his masters and get a job. If he doesn't get a job and his masters is not finished, that means having to take out a loan for next semester just to live off of. When I heard him explaining that a third of what he has left to do would theoretically take him two months normally, I started to panic inside.

So, this morning, I started to stress when he wasn't out of the house at the time he had planned. Of course, it's hard to get up when your sleep is interrupted every two hours by hungry babies that need feeding and diapering. I don't blame him for wanting to sleep an extra hour, but at the time, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I let him know how stressed I was that he might not finish on time. Not exactly the uplifting, supportive thing you want to hear when you are waking up in the morning. That just made him more stressed and less confident, and basically made me feel like a jerk (which I can be, let's face it). We talked about it before he left, and I felt much better and I hope he did, too.

I was still scared, though. I went back upstairs to feed Canaan, and as I laid him down in the crib, Micah started stirring around. Hoping he would sleep a little longer, I started singing him a song to calm him down. He responds to that pretty well so far. I normally sing a lullaby I learned when I was small, but instead I started singing another song that has calmed me since I was a child. My two older sisters sang it at my dedication and my oldest sister, Amy, used to sing it to my little brother and I when we were going to sleep at night. Sometimes, when I'm in a scary situation-- like driving down 64 when there's flash flooding going on-- I sing this song to myself and it calms me down. Weird, I know. The first verse is more about being afraid in situations like that, but the second verse is more about uncertainty and stress. As I sang the words to Micah this morning, I found myself tearing up, my voice getting all wobbly and high pitched, but his little legs stopped kicking and I saw a smile pull at the corners of his tiny lips. I was rubbing his belly and singing a soft song, but I felt like Jesus was rubbing my back and telling me everything was going to be fine.

When I'm alone
And I face the unknown
And I fear what the future may be
I can depend
On the strength of my Friend
He walks along with me

How can I fear?
Jesus is near
He ever watches over me
Worries all cease
He gives me peace
How can I fear with Jesus?

Week One- Check

My babies are now just a few hours short of being a week old, but I feel like they have been mine forever. Everyone has always told me about the love you begin to experience when you become a parent, but nothing anyone has ever told me can even begin to scratch the surface of the real thing. I don't think there is a way to put it into words.

My mom has been here all week, making everything so much easier. I haven't prepared one meal for myself, done one load of laundry (and she gets about three loads done a day), or cleaned one dirty dish. The other day, I said I was craving something sweet, and she went into the kitchen and found everything she needed to bake fresh cinnamon raison scones-- WITH ICING. Less than an hour later, I was eating the most delicious scone I've ever tasted and thinking, "Does she really have to leave? Ever?" It has been so wonderful having her, and honestly, I am a little nervous about her leaving. She has made it possible for me to focus completely on the boys and getting my body back into semi-normal condition. This morning we have been talking about what I need to do to keep track of all the things she has been doing for me once she leaves, and that has been a big help. I'm not quite as nervous as I was before we talked that out.

The boys don't really worry me. So far, they have been amazing babies. I'm more concerned about forgetting to do laundry and running out of receiving blankets or sleepers... or the dishes piling up or not planning meals ahead of time and ending up just getting fast food all the time. These home cooked meals this week have been amazing. I know I will get into a routine, though, and I have two more days to practice before she leaves.

Well, it has been a wonderful first week-- and now that the babies are here, I think I will have much more to write about, so hopefully this will be the first of many entries keeping you all informed about our life with the boys. Thank you for all the love and prayers! We have felt the effects of them this week for sure!