Abiding in Jesus

Oswald Chambers, oh, how you challenge me. I always walk away from My Utmost for His Highest thinking, "That was intense."

For example, two days ago, Chambers references John 15:4 and writes:

"God will not make me think like Jesus, I have to do it myself; I have to bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ...I have not to change and arrange my circumstances myself. With Our Lord the inner abiding was unsullied; He was at home with God wherever His body was placed. He never chose His own circumstances, but was meek towards His Father's dispensations for Him. Think of the amazing leisure of Our Lord's life! We keep God at excitement point, there is none of the serenity of the life hid with Christ in God about us...In the initial stages it is a continual effort until it becomes so much the law of life that you abide in Him unconsciously. Determine to abide in Jesus wherever you are placed."

Okay, I am going to be completely honest with you. I haven't been feeling very... spiritual lately. I don't know about other people's life experiences, but I feel like I may have been burned out on spirituality as a teenager. I was always in church, going on youth group retreats, memorizing scripture for Bible quizzing, etc. I felt, for the lack of a better phrase, "on fire for God." The last two years or so, I've been wondering why I never feel that way anymore. Well, not never. A good sermon, some moving music, and I've got the feeling back, but it's usually gone and forgotten by Monday morning. Why don't I abide in Jesus anymore? Why don't I crave scripture daily? One of the conclusions I have come to is that in middle and high school, I was alone. I never dated, and no one really counted on me for anything. I did my thing. I went to school, volleyball or basketball practice, work, church, whatever it was I had to do that night... and I did it by myself. Not only did this give me a lot of free time to think and pray, but I felt that longing for companionship with God. And, let's face it, when you are a teenager, you feel everything passionately.

These days, I have enough companionship to make me feel like I am never alone. Don't get me wrong, this is a tremendous blessing to me. Ever since I was little, all I've ever really wanted out of life was a family of my own, and lucky me got a husband and twin boys by the time I turned twenty-two. Not a lot of people can say they have achieved their dreams by that age.

Even with all of this companionship, though, there's something missing if I'm not constantly abiding in Jesus. Unlike my husband and children, He can see the deepest, darkest parts of my soul-- and He still loves me! He is my Maker, and without constant communion with him, I am quite empty.

So today, I was challenged to abide in Jesus. This doesn't mean I need to make some sort of radical change in my circumstances, like Chambers says. I can abide in Jesus while feeding my baby boys, while making coffee for Joshua, while straightening up the room after the boys go to bed... I can be at home with God wherever I am.

So, I'm starting day one of practicing His presence...

Running

I was finally able to get back down to the treadmill in the gym at the hotel today. I ran longer than I did last week, which was encouraging. I feel like I can even see a slight difference in the mirror, but that could just be all in my head because I feel so much better now that I am eating well. It's amazing how even the process of losing weight can give you a little more confidence. There's some sort of satisfaction in just knowing you are doing something to make your life a little better.

I hate running on a treadmill. The little lights that blink until you've gone one imaginary lap around an imaginary track, how there's really nothing to look at except the mirror (which is really no fun to look in at all) or the treadmill screen (which just makes you want to quit). Today while running, I recalled a cool summer night, about two years ago now (Has it been that long?), when Joshua and I and some friends of ours, Zach and Michelle, were training for a half marathon. We ran four miles straight for the first time that night. I had mapped a beautiful run around the neighborhood online.

Larchmont was such an amazing neighborhood for running. Most of it was completely flat (like most of Tidewater), and the streets were lined with blooming crape myrtles and old, but well-cared for homes. I used to run around those streets and house shop. There were so many to choose from, and every one of them different from the one beside it. The most difficult part of the run was when we would run over the Hampton bridge, all the way to Terminal Boulevard, and then back over the bridge and all the way home. The Hampton bridge was the only hill, but it was long, and when you are used to running on flat ground, it seemed pretty steep. When we finished the run, though, it was such an amazing feeling. It was starting to get dark and there was a nice, cool breeze. We were with great friends and everything around us just seemed... beautiful.

Running on a treadmill just seems like a means to an end. Running outside is like an adventure. It's a conversation with a good friend and a time to dream and pray and praise God for the beautiful creation all around you. I can't wait to experience that again. Louisville will be a great place for it, too. There are so many beautiful parks and neighborhoods. For now, I'll settle for the treadmill.

Stir-crazy

I think I'm going a little stir-crazy. Thankfully, it is almost the weekend. When Joshua gets home tonight, I'm going to try to get out for a little while. Maybe we will both go out and take the boys to walk around somewhere... we'll see.

Last night, Joshua came home and told me he actually had very little to do. The teachers told them that they realized they were giving them too much to do and decided to spread out their assignments a little bit. Also, they are teaching fifth graders today, so they don't have any class time of their own. He had a two hour meeting last night to finish up their lesson plan, but that was it. I guess I could have gotten out of the room then, but what I wanted even more was just to spend some time with my husband. He was exhausted, too, and I just didn't want to leave him alone with the boys the first time he got a little break.

I think he is excited about his lesson plan today. He is teaching fifth graders about the physics of sound- vibrations, volume, and pitch. He is playing his electric guitar for them today, and that is the part he is excited about.

The babies are doing well. They are to the point where they would much rather be playing on the floor than in their exersaucers, which is nice now that they can sit up. They smile and laugh and are all-around very pleasant. They make all of this totally worth it.

Well, that's about all I have. :) I'll try to keep you updated, but there really isn't a WHOLE lot going on.

Six weeks of this should be interesting...

Joshua got home yesterday around 4:30 PM. He stopped in to grab some of his things and then went right back downstairs to the hotel conference room to work on all of his homework. He had to do a long reading assignment, write a 3-4 page paper, compose a blog post, and prepare a lesson plan for today. Yes, on the third day of class, he is teaching. The poor guy got home last night at 2 AM. This morning, he got up at 5:30 AM to finish his reading before his class at 8:30. I mostly feel bad for HIM because I know he doesn't even get time to sit and breathe and he really misses his boys (and probably me a little bit, too). We really are both just feeling thankful that he has a job.

After the boys' first nap, we played on the floor for a little while. These pictures are blurry because they were taken with my phone. I have, once again, misplaced my camera charger. Ugh.

My sweet boys. Micah on the left, Canaan on the right.

Mr. Micah loves the camera/phone now. It's so funny.

Mr. Canaan kissing the mirror... what a weirdo.

An update on the Marshes

Every day, my boys get cuter. I don't know how they do it, but just when I think I'm at my "in love" limit, I fall deeper in love with them the next day. They are sitting up now for very long periods of time. They play together and often I turn around to find them laughing at each other. I think these might be some of the sweetest moments in my life.

Joshua is gone quite a lot-- his classes are from 8:30 AM to 3:30 PM, then he has lots of reading to do, papers to write, discussion groups to go to, and blog posts at night. Yesterday he came home to read (normally he goes to Starbucks to read, but he missed his babies) and have some dinner, but then was gone again until 11:30 PM, long after I had gone to bed. I miss him a lot, but I'm so proud of how diligent and thorough he is with his school work.

I'm trying to not wish these days away. Part of me wants to get out of this tiny little hotel room and into an apartment or house of our own in Louisville. I want to start getting to know my new city. I want to find a church. I want to find a weekend job at a coffee shop to make some extra money to buy a new stroller and car seats for my boys (and maybe something extra for me later, like a nice camera or an ipad2 :) ).

BUT, I know these moments while my boys are small and NOT running around like crazy are a gift and I cannot wish them away. They are at a stage where I can have them sit up on the floor with some toys and play together, and I can watch them smile and make noises at each other, but I don't have to chase them around the house and keep them out of cabinets and off the stairs. My friend who has twins recently lost 20 lbs because her boys have been walking for two months now! On second thought, maybe I DO want them to start walking. ;)

I can also be thankful that while we are in this hotel room, they are not walking. That would be disastrous!

Well, I believe my boys are waking up. We are about to venture out of the hotel for the first time in two days so that we can pick up some diapers and formula. The elevator has been out of order, so I haven't been able to get out. I can't really carry two 20 lb babies in their carseats down three flights of stairs... and then trying to get groceries and such back into the hotel room without the stroller would just be impossible.

So anyway, I am going to enjoy these six weeks in the hotel with my boys and simply remember that I have a lot to look forward to in Louisville. Please pray that I don't go crazy. :)

Thoughts on Osama bin Laden

I felt rather torn last night and this morning. When I saw the line reading, "OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD" run across the screen last night, I wasn't sure what to feel.

Sure, this is a great victory for America. For ten years, we've been hunting a criminal, a murderer, a terrorist. Part of me wanted to be running in the streets of D.C., chanting "USA! USA!" But another part of me could not possibly rejoice at the death of a human being, one created in the image of God, just like me, who had died without knowing the love of Christ. After all, without the blood of Christ, I deserve the same fate as Osama bin Laden.

I've been looking into the scripture today to see what a Christ-follower's reaction to this should be. Here are some verses that come to mind:

"You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." Psalm 10:17-18

"The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulfur; a scorching wind will be their lot. For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face." Psalm 11:5-6

The thing is, I do see David praising God for being just and protecting His people, but I don't think he is necessarily rejoicing at the death of the wicked. I think the Lord has protected the fatherless and the oppressed, those who lost loved ones on 9/11. I think he has brought justice to Osama bin Laden.

However, I do not think that God was pleased with the death of Osama bin Laden, and I don't think I can run in the streets and rejoice, either. Here's why:

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign Lord. Repent and live!" Ezekiel 18:32

"Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live..." Ezekiel 33:11

"Do not gloat when your enemy fails; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from them." Proverbs 24:17-18

As an American, I am thankful for the men and women in our military. I am thankful that God has brought justice for those who are now fatherless, motherless, widowed, or outlived their children. I am thankful that God kept our Navy SEALS safe during their mission. I believe that the death of Osama bin Laden was necessary for the protection of the American people.

But as a believer, I cannot rejoice in his death.

Black Bean Brownies

That's right, black bean brownies. I've been wanting to try this for a while. I read on a weight watchers recipe site that you can combine a boxed brownie mix with one can of pureed black beans to make delicious, low fat brownies. I never tried it because Joshua was horrified at the thought.

Yesterday, I was at home, craving some brownies. I was out of eggs, but I had some black beans. I also didn't have a brownie mix, though, so I developed my own recipe after pulling from several different recipes I found online. Here it is:

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour (this is all I had, so I was scared, but they are so yummy!)
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 (15oz) can black beans, drained and then filled with new water
1 tsp vanilla (I actually probably put in a tbsp-- I always add more vanilla!)
1 cup of water
chocolate chips to sprinkle on top (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 350 F
2. Combine dry ingredients.
3. Rinse black beans until water runs clear. Add beans back to can and then fill the can with new water. Puree black beans in blender.
4. Mix pureed black beans, water, and vanilla.
5. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients and stir until well combined.
6. Bake in 9x13" baking dish (I did mine in an 8x8"; they were too thick and took forever to bake!) in preheated oven for 25-30 minutes. Edges should be slightly puffy and starting to pull away from sides and the middle should be firm. Let cool before cutting. Enjoy!